Angels In Awareness

Why Men Beat Women

2009-03-31T12:44:00.000-07:00

Topic: Why Men Beat Women

You saw them on Oprah (March 19th) now it's your chance to talk with Tony and Sir on The Abundant Solutions Hour. Around the world at least one woman in every three has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused in her lifetime. Most often the abuser is a member of her own family. Nearly one in every three adult women experiences at least one physical assault by a partner during adulthood. Approximately four million American women experience a serious assault by an intimate partner during a 12-month period.

Tony Gaskins Jr., Best Selling Author – “What Daddy Never Told His Little Girl” and “Reclaiming Our Youth One Day At A Time”

I couldn’t express myself verbally, so I would take it out on her physically”, says Tony. “The thing that triggered me was that I was insecure as a person. To see her stare at another man, or to see her have a conversation with another man, or if she confronted me about anything, it enraged me.”

Sir Rodeheaver, Husband and Father

“It set me off. I remember walking up to her and smacking her full force, “Sir says. “I grabbed her by her neck, and I kind of held her against the car. Then, I walked over to the bushes and threw her in there, and I just started choking her. It was with every bit of rage, every bit of anger I’ve ever had.”

Listen as Sonya Mosley and Jenelle Thompson, survivors of domestic violence, tell their story.

Prophetess, Sonya Mosley “It’s time for me to tell my story.”

Best Selling Author and Model, Jenelle Thompson “It will be tough, but I must to tell my story.”

The precise incidence of domestic violence in America is difficult to determine for several reasons: it often goes unreported, even on surveys; there is no nationwide organization that gathers information from local police departments about the number of substantiated reports and calls; and there is disagreement about what should be included in the definition of domestic violence. "One study estimated that more than 3% (approximately 1.8 million) of women were severely assaulted by male partners or cohabitants over the course of a year, while other studies indicate the percentage of women experiencing dating violence, including sexual assault, physical violence, or verbal and emotional abuse, ranges as high as 65%."

Gender trends: Women make up 3/4 of the victims of homicide by an intimate partner. Actually, 33% of all women murdered (of course, only cases which are solved are included) are murdered by an intimate partner. Women make up about 85% of the victims of non-lethal domestic violence. In all, women are victims of intimate partner violence at a rate about 5 times that of males.

Racial and Ethnic trends: Black women and men suffer from the highest rates of domestic violence. "Black females experienced domestic violence at a rate 35% higher than that of white females, and about 22 times the rate of women of other races. Black males experienced domestic violence at a rate about 62% higher than that of white males and about 22 times the rate of men of other races."

Marital status: For both men and women, divorced or separated persons were subjected to the highest rates of intimate partner victimization, followed by never- married persons.

Reporting to police: The rates at which individuals report domestic violence to police vary along racial and gender lines. Hispanic and black women report domestic violence at the highest rate (approximately 65% to 67% of abuse is reported). For white females, only about 50% of the abuse is reported.

Untold Story of the Montana Plane crash...

2009-03-25T14:36:00.000-07:00

Abortionist Family Dies - The Untold Story of the Montana Plane Crash

I just ran across this story. See what you think. Pray for the family.

Family of Irving 'Bud' Feldkamp, Owner of the Nation's Largest Privately Owned Abortion Chain, Dies in Montana Plane Crash
Christian News Wire

MEDIA ADVISORY, Mar. 24 /Christian Newswire/ -- Some of you may have seen the major news story of the private plane that crashed into a Montana cemetery, killing 7 children and 7 adults.

But what the news sources fail to mention is that the Catholic Holy Cross Cemetery owned by Resurrection Cemetery Association in Butte - contains a memorial for local residents to pray the rosary, at the 'Tomb of the Unborn'. This memorial, located a short distance west of the church, was erected as a dedication to all babies who have died because of abortion.

What else is the mainstream news not telling you? The family who died in the crash near the location of the abortion victim's memorial, is the family of Irving 'Bud' Feldkamp, owner of the largest for-profit abortion chain in the nation.

Family Planning Associates was purchased four years ago by Irving Moore "Bud" Feldkamp III, owner of Allcare and Hospitality Dental Associates and CEO of Glen Helen Raceway Park in San Bernardino. The 17 California Family Planning clinics perform more abortions in the state than any other abortion provider - Planned Parenthood included - and they perform abortions through the first five months of pregnancy.

Although Feldkamp is not an abortionist, he reaps profits of blood money from the tens of thousands of babies that are killed through abortions performed every year at the clinics he owns. His business in the abortion industry was what enabled him to afford the private plane that was carrying his family to their week-long vacation at The Yellowstone Club, a millionaires-only ski resort.

The plane went down on Sunday, killing two of Feldkamp's daughters, two sons-in-law and five grandchildren along with the pilot and four family friends. The plane, a single-engine turboprop flown by Bud Summerfield of Highland, crashed into the Catholic cemetery and burst into flames, only 500 ft. from its landing destination. All aboard were killed.

The cause of the crash is a mystery. The pilot, who was a former military flier who logged over 2,000 miles, gave no indication to air traffic controllers that the aircraft was experiencing difficulty when he asked to divert to an airport in Butte. Witnesses report that the plane suddenly nosedived toward the ground with no apparent signs of a struggle. There was neither a cockpit voice recorder nor a flight data recorder onboard, and no radar clues into the planes final moments because the Butte airport is not equipped with a radar facility. Some speculate that the crash was due to ice on the wings, but this particular plane model has been tested for icy weather and experts have stated that ice being the cause is unlikely.

In my time working for Survivors of the Abortion Holocaust, I helped organize and conduct a weekly campaign where youth activists stood outside of Feldkamp's mini-mansion in Redlands holding fetal development signs and raising community awareness regarding Feldkamp's dealings in child murder for profit. Every Thursday afternoon we called upon Bud and his wife Pam to repent, seek God's blessing and separate themselves from the practice of child killing.

We warned him, for his children's sake, to wash his hands of the innocent blood he assisted in spilling because, as Scripture warns, if "you did not hate bloodshed, bloodshed will pursue you". (Ezekiel 35:6)

A news source states that Bud Feldkamp visited the site of the crash with his wife and their two surviving children on Monday. As they stood near the twisted and charred debris talking with investigators, light snow fell on the tarps that covered the remains of their hildren.

I don't want to turn this tragic event into some creepy spiritual 'I told you so' moment, but I think of the time spent outside of Feldkamp's - Pam Feldkamp laughing at the fetal development signs, Bud Feldkamp trying not to make eye contact as he got into his car with a small child in tow - and I think of the haunting words, 'Think of your children.' I wonder if those words were haunting Feldkamp as well as he stood in the snow among the remains of
loved ones, just feet from the 'Tomb of the Unborn'?

I only hope and pray that in the face of this tragedy, Feldkamp recognizes his need for repentance and reformation. I pray that God will use this unfortunate catastrophe to soften the hearts of Bud and Pam and that they will draw close to the Lord and wash their hands of the blood of thousands of innocent children, each as precious and irreplaceable as their own.

"I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. Choose life, then." (Deut. 30:19)

Gingi Edmonds is a freelance pro-life activist, writer and photographer based out of Hanford, California. Gingi writes a bi-monthly ProLife Opinion Column and is available for pro-life presentations and speaking engagements. Visit www.gingiedmonds.com for more information.

Renee's Story in an abuse post exchange..

2008-08-27T10:17:00.000-07:00

I love you and am praying for you. I am not your judge or your husband's. It is none of my business whether or not you stay married to this man. That is between you and God.

Being cheated on is emotional, mental and spiritual abuse. It is to destroy the sacredness of the marriage covenant that God created. Women have a hard time identifying abuse unless there is a bruise or a broken bone and often times, they think they deserved that.

Cowards abuse women and the biggest cowards choose emotional and mental abuse as they don't want to leave a mark that anyone could see because they know they cannot be arrested for emotional abuse. If you had a broken bone, then someone might find out what he is and what is going on.

Emotional abuse tortures a person from within, it leaves no physical marks but there are signs: blaming oneself, thinking everything is your fault, you cause bad things and deserve them, always apologizing when you have done nothing wrong, defending the abuser and minimizing their actions. They rob you of peace, joy and a feeling of self worth. You feel like dirt.

My aunt was physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and financially abused. She stayed married for the sake of the children. That monster held a gun on my aunt in front of her children.

He never beat the children with his fists but with his words. Renee was told by her Dad from a little girl on that she was fat and ugly. She soaked his words in like the sunshine and those words changed her identity. She was emotionally abused and wanted the love of her father. Renee was beautiful like a model. She had a distorted self image, she saw herself through the eyes of the abuser, not through the eyes of God.

Renee developed aneroxia and her brain started shutting down and her organs. She wanted to get well but she had already destroyed her health too much to get well. She was given drops of water in an eye dropper because she could not eat.

On June 19, 1996, Renee shot herself in the head in front of her mother and brother in the back yard. She died at age 30 from suicide but her Dad might as well of held the gun to her head and plugged the trigger. He murdered her with the emotional abuse years before her heart stopped beating.

Sheila, what would you tell your daughter, granddaughter or best friend if they came to you in the same situation you are in? I wish you could go talk to some women in person who have lived with abuse and are now in the healing process so they can help you identify behaviors for what they are.

When women are abused they project the image the abuser wants them to have one themselves instead of who they really are. They want to control your thoughts and they take pleasure in harming you.

We are all made in the image and likeness of God. We are temples of the Lord. I will pray for you to see yourself as God sees you. I will pray for you and for your husband.

Respnose to me after thanking her for posting the above..........

Our tears for Renee are not in vain because we can share our tragic loss in an attempt to show how abusive actions can lead to tragic end that cannot be changed.

My aunt and her son (Renee's brother) still have horrible nightmares about Renee's suicide. Renee's action were actually a horrible abuse to her Mom and brother. The cycle of abuse had a very horrible domino effect in this family. Renee had divorced her husband prior to this, they were high school sweethearts. His life is shattered because he still loves her. So many shattered lives because of one person wanting power, control and taking pleasure in harming others.

Here is how God works. My parents best friend's son, Phil, was the EMT that answered the call. He knew my family and ordered my aunt in the house for her own mental health. My cousin could not be moved or saved due to her condition. Phil held Renee's hand until he died one hour later and he prayed with her until Jesus and the angels came for her. That was the only comfort my aunt had. Phil was a heavenly earth angel.

Renee wrote a letter to be read at her funeral. She wrote about the Scripture, "Come to me all you who are heavily burdened...". She wrote about how much she loved God then she wrote what the abuse did to her. Her words still haunt me. It was so sad and horrifying. I will never be the same after hearing her pain, it was gut-wrenching.

Thanks for listening. Feel free to share precious Renee's story if it will help someone else.

Concern exchange from one friend to another

2008-08-15T10:30:00.000-07:00

Please note that I l have left some of this conversation off for privacy issues along with the names as they are not important. What I wanted to express here is that the cycle is always pretty much the same for each abuser.

Original post:
Let me give yall a little background on what is happening and why I don't think I can stay in this marriage. Forgive me, because no matter how I try to shorten it I can't! (Husband) & I have been married for nearly 8 years. He is my 4th husband (all 3 before him were abusive alcoholics and 1 cheated on me). (Husband) was living in Kuwait and driving in Iraq for 18 months and he had a 4 month long affair. He went over there 4 years ago this past April and was home 4 years ago this month for his grandfather's funeral. That was the LAST time we've had sex. Too much info? I'm sorry...

At any rate, when I found out about the affair and asked him the usual question "why her not me?", his answer was "I just don't find you sexually attractive anymore". Of course, later he apologized for those hurtful words...but we've still had ZERO "intimate contact". He doesn't randomly kiss me, hold my hand or even touch me in ANY way. If I didn't kiss him or hold his hand, there would be none. I've tried to get past all of it and try to trust him again. However, other things have happened which make trust really difficult...like finding out he had started smoking pot again, KNOWING that I was 100% against it and that I considered that a "deal breaker" in any relationship I was in. Then I started finding out about e-mail accounts I knew nothing about, My Space pages I knew nothing about and a Post Office Box in (City) that I knew nothing about. There was an 18 year old girl he worked with here locally that would leave what I considered inappropriate comments on his original My Space page...then I found a picture from HER My Space page on HIS My Space page of her butt in a thong! Next, I found out that he had put his stuff from "our" storage unit in (City) into one of his own! Then I found out that he has a post office box in Omaha, Nebraska! His explanation for THAT is that he gets through Omaha more than he gets through here since that is where the company he drives for is based.

He has a nephew in the Marines that is stationed out in California. He also has another one that is finishing Boot Camp out there, too. Graduation is around Sept. 12th. I can't go b/c of money; however, his mom, him & the nephew's mom are going. I'm not sure how many other family members are going. (Husband) & I had been joking about him running down to Tijuana since he was going to be down there for the graduation...or at least I thought it was a joke. I found out on a phone call on my way home from work Monday night that he is NOT joking and that he and at least 1 (probably both) nephew and possibly his brother-in-law are going down there. I lost it! I asked him why he was going. He didn't respond very quickly. So I went on to say, "YOU of all people have NO business down there! You don't drink, you supposedly don't do drugs anymore and you aren't having sex with me so why would you go down there?" He said, "we aren't going down there for THAT!" I said, "I shouldn't HAVE to even be having this conversation with you, (Husband)! YOU of all people should understand why I am upset! YOU of all people should know without me having to say a word about why this is wrong on SO MANY different levels!" Then I said, "Whatever! When you figure out the day you want to return to Omaha let me know so I can try to find you a cheaper flight" and hung up on him. I've not heard from him since. I e-mailed him a pretty detailed e-mail yesterday morning telling him exactly how I'm feeling and that I am beginning to think that maybe we need to each figure out what we want from this marriage and if we even want this marriage any longer. Like I said, I've heard nothing from him in reply...no e-mail, no phone call...nothing. Which pretty much, in my mind, tells me that it is pretty much all over except the paperwork.

So there you have it...all the ugly, gory details of the death of my marriage. I've turned it over to God...told Him "YOU handle this, cuz I seem to be screwing it up pretty badly!" I'm really hurting. I don't know what is going to happen, am not sure what I want to happen. I just know I can't live like THIS any longer. I don't trust him, don't believe anything he says anymore and just don't even believe IN him anymore either. I'm not sure that I love him...or am just afraid to lose the $800 I get from him every month to help pay my rent & utilities here at my sister's where I live. I don't know what is going to happen, what I want to happen or up from down right now. I'm not keeping much down right now, my nerves are shot and I really need to know SOMEthing...hence the need for prayers.

Response from a friend:

I'm keeping you in my prayers too, I also know what you're going through. I was in an abusive marriage for 8 years and didn't have sense enough to get out until he started physically abusing my son. I used to look at women who were abused and couldn't figure out why they just didn't leave, and then I became one of them and couldn't figure out how to leave. There are so many things that go through your mind...he had me convinced that I was the reason he was a jerk. When he burned my 2-year old son with a cigarette lighter "trying to show him that it was hot", I knew for the sake of my kids I had to get out of that situation. Even then, I did it for the kids and not because he was beating the stuffing out of me on a regular basis. I've learned a lot since then, about myself and about how to treat people. I think God put me in that situation to learn from it and even though I didn't like it, it still wasn't more than I could handle. He got me out before it got to that point. It's probably a strange thing to say, but I think the abuse I went through as a child from the nighttime "visits" and the abuse I went through in that marriage, helped to change me into the person I am now. One that would do anything I can do to help other people going through similar situations and to give back some small portion of the blessings that God has given me. If those things hadn't happened to me, I still wouldn't understand why other people "let" them happen to them. I'd probably still be going through life blaming the victim and not the j____s that was the abuser. It took me a long time to learn to put a stop to things I didn't want to happen. Now if someone even looks like they don't have my best interest in the plan somewhere, it's like Mary says...I cut 'em out and tell them "I don't think so". I don't know if any of this makes sense, I tend to ramble, but maybe this is your sign, your wake-up call if you will. Love doesn't hurt and it sounds like you're really hurting. I can't tell you what to do either, but if it was me I'd take this as a signal that it was time to let go. I know it's a hard thing to do, but when you think about it, it's hard to keep going through what you're going through now. It's hard to wake up every morning and wonder what the next lie or excuse will be, or what is really going on instead of what you've been told. That's hard. I know it is, I've been there and done that, and I finally got to the point where I just refused to let it happen to me anymore. I think for me I had to get rid of my "poor me, how could you do this to me" attitude and take on my "Who the _____ do you think you are that you can treat another human being that way." attitude. "So you don't find me attractive anymore...well, have you looked in the mirror lately." I had to get mad first and realize that I am a child of God and I'm worth more than that 'cause God don't make junk. So, if you want to mistreat and belittle somebody, it will have to be somebody else, because God's got my back and I don't have to be afraid of you or put up with your "stuff" anymore. See ya".

Original poster:

I have still not heard anything from (Husband) since I hung up on him Monday night and sent the e-mail on Tuesday morning. I did see his mom this afternoon when I dropped my 10 year old granddaughter off at her house for the night. I asked her "So? Are you and Cathy going with the boys to Tijuana?" She said, "Ummm, no...and neither are the boys! A directive was sent to all the Marine's telling them that No Marine will be allowed across the border into Tijuana!" So...was this all for nothing? Or was this indeed the shove from God that I needed to do what I have known for the past 3 years that I needed to do?

Wondering..a thought while in the park...

2008-07-18T08:30:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted here much but it seems that we get busy with life and abuse to children and women is so out of proportion to other crimes. From shaking baby syndrome to killing families, women and children by husbands, it is overwhelming.
I have someone very close to me that goes through verbal abuse almost daily and is on her way away from it. For this I am grateful because I know the next step is physical. She has always told herself she couldn't do any better than him, not knowing he is the very one who makes her feel that way. Well, her "Knight in Shining Armor" has shown up and he is such a doll. His encouragement has made her see her ex to be for who he truly is.
This time the only "Honeymoon" period will be a real one.

Abuse, Power & Control (Click on image to enlarge)

2007-09-30T12:23:00.000-07:00

Abuse & Equality (Click on image to enlarge)

2007-09-30T12:22:00.000-07:00

Checklist of Behaviors

2007-08-17T12:15:00.000-07:00

Do you or have you
Yes
No

Bossed your partner around

Pouted or denied affection (i.e., silent treatment) to your partner

Checked up on them (listened to phone calls, called them often at work, followed them)

Stormed out in the middle of an argument

Insulted your partner

Often interrupted partner while talking

Accused your partner of flirting or cheating on you

Acted jealous or suspicious of your partner’s friends

Blamed your partner for your problems

Made negative comments on how your partner dresses

Made negative comments about your partner’s body

Kept or attempted to keep your partner from leaving

Yelled or screamed at your partner

Treated your partner like a personal servant

Spit at, or pulled your partner’s hair

Slapped your partner

Made it difficult for your partner to socialize with friends

Told your partner she/he was crazy

Pushed, grabbed, shoved or threw your partner

Hit your partner with something

Pulled or tore off your partner’s clothes

Drove fast to scare your partner

Threw, hit or destroyed property

Bit or scratched your partner

Forced your partner to do something she or he didn’t want to do

Punched your partner with your fist

Kicked your partner

Choked or strangled your partner

Used or threatened your partner with a weapon

Physically forced your partner to have sex

Begged partner for sex and wouldn’t stop until partner agreed

Physically harmed pets

Threatened to hit your partner or throw something at him or her

Said things to scare him or her (something “bad” would happen, threatened to commit suicide)

Anything that hasn’t been mentioned

Personal Planning and Safety

2007-08-17T12:11:00.001-07:00

If you are in a violent relationship, one of the most important steps you can take is to make a safety plan both for home and the workplace. These plans contain simple but critical steps you can take to increase your safety while you deal with the violence you face in your personal life.

Memorize a Crisis Intervention number, in Minnesota the number is 1-866-223-1111
If you are in danger, dial 911
You may also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for information about services in your area.
Be aware of local domestic violence programs and other resources. Check in with them if you are confused or unsure about what is happening in your relationship.
Be aware of your partner’s abusive cues including their demeanor, expressions, threats, actions, etc.
Be aware of your own cues in reaction to your partner’s cues, these can help you know when to seek a safe place to stay
Talk with advocates and supportive friends and family about the abuse before it continues to escalate and occur again.
you do not have to keep this a secret.

ask about your options and what you can do

In case you have to flee, have the following available:

important papers such as birth certificate, social security cards, insurance information, school and health records, welfare and immigration documents, and divorce or other court documents

credit cards, back account number and ATM cards

some money

extra set of keys

medication and prescriptions

phone numbers and addresses for family, friends, doctor, lawyers and community agencies

clothing and comfort items for you and your children

If you had the perpetrator evicted or are living alone, you may want to:

change locks on doors and windows

install a better security system

teach children to call the police or family and friends if they are taken

talk to school and childcare providers about who has permission to pick up the children

find a lawyer who knows about family violence to talk about custody, visitation and divorce provisions that protect you and your children

obtain a restraining order

If you are leaving your abuser, ask yourself the following questions:

how and when can you most safely leave? where will you go?

are you comfortable calling the police if you need them?

who can you trust to tell you are leaving?

how will you travel safely to and from work or school to pick up your children?

what community and legal resources will help you feel safer?

do you know the number of a local shelter?

what custody and visitation provisions will keep you and your children safe?

is a restraining order a viable option?

If you are staying with your abuser, think about:

what works best to keep you safe in an emergency

who can you call in a crisis

whether you would call the police if the violence starts again? can you work out a signal with the children or the neighbors to call the police when you really need help?

if you need to flee for a short time, where will you go? think through many places where you can go in a crisis.

if you need to flee your home, know the escape routes in advance.

WORKPLACE SAFETY PLANNING

At work, you may want to:

save threatening emails or voicemail messages. you can use them to take legal action in the future, if you choose. if you already have a restraining order, the messages can serve as evidence in court that the order was violated.

park close to the entrance of the building. talk to security, the police, or a manager if you fear an assault at work.

have your calls screened, transfer harassing calls to security, or remove your name and number from automated phone directories.

relocate your workspace to a more secure area.

obtain a restraining order and make sure it is current and on hand at all times. include your workplace in the order. a copy should be provided to; the police, the your supervisor, human resources, the reception area, the legal department, and security.

provide a picture of the perpetrator to reception areas and/or security.

identify an emergency contact person should your employer be unable to contact you.

ask security to escort you to and from your car or public transportation.

look into alternate hours or work locations.

review the safety of your childcare arrangements, whether it is on-site childcare at the company or off-site. if you have a restraining order, it can usually be extended to the childcare center.

portions adapted from the newsletter of Women's Advocates, Inc.

©2004 Domestic Abuse Project 1-612-874-7063

What you can do.

2007-08-17T12:08:00.001-07:00

Anyone who has a commitment to peaceful, equitable relationships and a little time can work to end domestic violence. Below are some suggestion for action that community members can take. Also, consider advocating for change in your workplace- see suggestions below.

In homes where domestic violence occurs, children are abused at a rate 1500% higher than the national average. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1993)

teachers can:

develop curriculum for boys and men to help them understand their role in healthy relationships.

seek training to help recognize and assist abuse victims.

create an atmosphere for respectful discussion of harassment and abusive and violent behavior.

Husbands and boyfriends commit at least 13,000 acts of violence against women in the workplace every year. (U.S. Department of Justice, 1994)

business leaders can:

Audit the workplace to ensure that inappropriate attitudes about violence, abuse and degrading behavior are not tolerated.

Offer training and counseling on issues of domestic violence, abuse, and sexual harassment.

Provide information on how and where to get help in times of stress, need, or actual violence.

Refuse to allow sexual harassment of anyone.

According to a report presented to the Senate Judiciary Committee, 50% of all homeless women and children in this country are fleeing domestic violence. (Elizabeth Schneider, "Legal Reform Efforts for Battered Women: Past, Present and Future 7", prepared for the Ford Foundation)

religious leaders can:

speak out against violence.

assist victims in their religious community who must escape from abusive or violent environments.

encourage their congregations to adopt trouble youth who are either the victims of or perpetrators of violence.

seek training to enable them to recognize and assist children in violent and abusive environments.

The American Medical Association reports that 22 to 35 percent of all women seeking medical treatment in hospital emergency rooms are victims of spousal/partner abuse. (From Spousal/Partner Assault: A Protocol for the Sentencing and Supervision of Offenders, Andrew R. Klein, cited: American Medical Association, 1992)

physicians and healthcare workers can:

acknowledge signs of domestic violence in their patients

take the time to listen to the patient and help them understand their options

remain educated and current on available community resources

Approximately 1 in 5 females victimized by their spouse or ex-spouse reported to the National Crime Victim survey(NCVS) that they had been a victim of a series of 3 or more assaults in the last 6 months that were so similar that they could not distinguish one from another. (Bureau of Justice Statistics, Violence between Intimates, Office of Justice Programs, November, 1994)

civic organizations can:

examine messages promoted within their organization regarding women, minorities, and children. are they positive, supportive?

schedule speakers who will educate members about violence prevention.

encourage awareness of domestic violence and abuse.

promote humane and just treatment for all community members.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Corporate Role In Preventing Domestic Violence
here's what your company can do:

include an insert with paychecks describing signs and symptoms of domestic violence and how to get help

place an article in your employee newsletter discussing domestic violence and how to seek help

place posters in cafeterias, restrooms, and other gathering places identifying warning signs and resources

sponsor lunchtime seminars about domestic violence

develop policies that support victims:

allow flexible work hours or time off for court and/or medical appointments

offer job transfers to employees whose safety may be at risk

respect employee confidentiality and do not reveal phone numbers and/or worksite information

train security personnel to help employees who have orders of protection or are being harassed by a partner

support organizations that address domestic violence through corporate philanthropy

healthcare:

make sure your company's healthcare provider trains its physicians in the screening for and treatment of domestic violence

ask that routine screening for domestic violence be a part of all employee health visits

employee assistance programs:

make domestic violence apriority with your EAP

have your EAP provide written materials and informational seminars

training:

provide training on domestic violence to managers, supervisors, security staff and EAP counselors so that they understand the impact of domestic violence, recognize the signs, and know how to respond sensitively to an employee who may need assistance.

©2004 Domestic Abuse Project 1-612-874-7063

Definition of Abuse (official)

2007-08-17T12:06:00.002-07:00

Abuse: Systematic pattern of behaviors in a relationship that are used to gain and/or maintain control and power over another.
Types of Abuse
Emotional Abuse Emotional abuse includes hurting another person's feelings by saying cruel, unfair comments or by name calling, such as:

cursing, swearing and/or screaming at you
repeated harassment, interrogation or degradation
attacks on self-esteem and/or insults to your person (name-calling, put-downs, ridicule)
attacks on and/or insults about people you care for, your family and friends
threatening to "come out for you" at work or to your family
controlling and/or limiting your behavior (e.g.: keeping you from using the phone or seeing friends, not letting you leave the room or the house, following you and monitoring or limiting your phone conversations, checking the mileage on your car, or keeping you from reading material, ideas, activities and places that he does not like)
interrupting you while you are eating, forcing you to stay awake or to get up from sleep
blaming you for everything that goes wrong
forcing you to do degrading things (e.g.: making you kneel, making you beg for money)
using the difference in physical size to intimidate you
criticizing your thoughts, feelings, opinions, beliefs and actions
treating you like a servant or "underling" in matters of household chores and decisions
being extremely jealous, constantly accusing you of flirting or of cheating
spitting at or near you
using money to control you (e.g.: taking money from you, giving you an allowance, controlling how extra money is spent, forcing you to ask for and account for any money you get, and acting like the work you do at home is of no economic value to the family)
telling you that you are "sick" and need therapy
using physical disabilities against you or putting you down for your disability
Psychological Abuse Psychological abuse is any threat to do bodily harm to a partner, a child, a family member, friends, pets, or one's self (suicide). Psychological abuse involves not only hurt and anger, but also fear and degradation. The purpose of psychological abuse is to render you emotionally insecure about your own self-worth and to render you helpless and/or not able to escape further physical, sexual and/or psychological abuse. Examples include your partner:
threatening to punch, hit, slap or kick
threatening to use a weapon
threatening to harm him/her-self if you leave
threatening to punish children to "get back" at you
threatening to harm pets • throwing objects in your direction
vague threats such as: "You're going to get it," or "I'm really going to let you have it"
harming a pet to "get back" at you
smashing and breaking things
throwing objects around the room
punching walls, slamming doors
hiding, stealing or destroying your possessions
sabotaging your car
any emotional abuse which in the past was a prelude to physical or sexual abuse
Sexual Abuse Sexual abuse is any non-consenting sexual act or behavior. Examples include your partner forcing sexual activity when:

you indicate "no" and your limits are not respected
you are sleeping • you are drunk or high and are unable to say "no"
you are afraid to say "no" Or when your partner:
insists that you dress in a more sexual way than you wish to dress
makes demeaning remarks about how you dress
makes demeaning remarks about your body and/or body parts
minimizes your feelings about sex
berates you about your sexual history; blames you if you were sexually abused in the past or as a child
criticizes you sexually (calling you "frigid," for example)
insists on touching you sexually when you do not want to be touched, either when the two of you are alone or in the presence of others
calls you a whore or a slut
has affairs with other women (often flaunting them) after agreeing not to have sex with anyone but you
physically attacking sexual parts of your body, (grabbing your breasts, pinching your buttocks, any touch that is unwanted)
forcing you to perform any specific sexual act that you do not wish to do (for example oral sex, or acting out pornography)
Physical Abuse Physical abuse is any forceful or violent physical behavior. Examples include:

slapping
choking
punching
kicking
pinching
pushing
shoving
biting
spanking
scratching
grabbing
throwing bodily
burning
restraining
spitting
Other behaviors in this category include throwing objects at the partner, or using or threatening to use a weapon of any kind (stick, ruler, belt, whip, knife, spoon, gun...)

On line..looking for love in all the wrong places..

2007-08-17T10:30:00.000-07:00

After tossing her books on the sofa, she decided to grab a snack and get on-line. She logged on under her screen name ByAngel213. She checked her Buddy List and saw GoTo123 was on. She sent him an instant message: ByAngel213: Hi. I'm glad you are on! I thought someone was following me home today. It was really weird! GoTo123: LOL You watch too much TV. Why would someone be following you? Don't you live in a safe neighborhood? ByAngel213: Of course I do. LOL I guess it was my imagination cuz' I didn't see anybody when I looked out. GoTo123: Unless you gave your name out on-line. You haven't done that have you? ByAngel213: Of course not. I'm not stupid you know. GoTo123: Did you have a softball game after school today? ByAngel213: Yes and we won!! GoTo123: That's great! Who did you play? ByAngel213: We played the Hornets. LOL. Their uniforms are so gross! They look like bees. LOL GoTo123: What is your team called? ByAngel213: We are the Canton Cats. We have tiger paws on our uniforms. They are really cool. GoTo1 23: Did you pitch? ByAngel213: No I play second base. I got to go. My homework has to be done before my parents get home. I don't want them mad at me. Bye! GoTo123: Catch you later. Bye Meanwhile.......GoTo123 went to the member menu and began to search for her profile. When it came up, he highlighted it and printed it out. He took out a pen and began to write down what he knew about Angel so far. Her name: Shannon Birthday: Jan. 3, 1985 Age: 13 State where she lived: North Carolina Hobbies: softball, chorus, skating and going to the mall. Besides this information, he knew she lived in Canton because she had just told him. He knew she stayed by herself until 6:30 p.m. every afternoon until her parents came home from work. He knew she played softball on Thursday afternoons on the school team, and the team was named the Canton Cats. Her favorite number 7 was printed on her jersey. He knew she was in the eighth grade at the Canton Junior High School . She had told him all this in the conversations they had on- line. He had enough information to find her now. Shannon didn't tell her parents about the incident on the way home from the ballpark that day. She didn't want them to make a scene and stop her from walking home from the softball games. Parents were always overreacti ng and hers were the worst. It made her wish she was not an only child. Maybe if she had brothers and sisters, her parents wouldn't be so overprotective. By Thursday, Shannon had forgotten about the footsteps following her. Her game was in full swing when suddenly she felt someone staring at her. It was then that the memory came back. She glanced up from her second base position to see a man watching her closely. He was leaning against the fence behind first base and he smiled when she looked at him. He didn't look scary and she quickly dismissed the sudden fear she had felt. After the game, he sat on a bleacher while she talked to the coach. She noticed his smile once again as she walked past him. He nodded and she smiled back. He noticed her name on the back of her shirt. He knew he had found her. Quietly, he walked a safe distance behind her. It was only a few blocks to Shannon 's home, and once he saw where she lived he quickly returned to the park to get his car. Now he had to wait. He decided to get a bite to eat until the time came to go to Shannon 's house He drove to a fast food restaurant and sat there until time to make his move. Shannon was in her room later that evening when she heard voices in the living room. "Shannon, come here," her father called. He sounded upset and she couldn't imagine why. She went into the room to see the man from the ballpark sitting on the sofa. "Sit down," her father began, "this man has just told us a most interesting story about you." Shannon sat back. How could he tell her parents anything? She had never seen him before today! "Do you know who I am, Shannon ?" the man asked. "No," Shannon answered. "I am a police officer and your online friend, GoTo123." Shannon was stunned. "That's impossible! GoTo is a kid my age! He's 14. And he lives in Michigan !" The man smiled. "I know I told you all that, but it wasn't true. You see, Shannon , there are people on-line who pretend to be kids; I was one of them. But while others do it to injure kids and hurt them, I belong to a group of parents who do it to protect kids from predators. I came here to find you to teach you how dangerous it is to talk to people on-line. You told me enough about yourself to make it easy for me to find you. You named the school you went to, the name of your ball team and the position you played. The number and name on your jersey just made finding you a breeze." Shannon was stunned. "You mean you don't live in Michigan ?" He laughed. "No, I live in Raleigh . It made you feel safe to think I was so far away, didn't it?" She nodded. "I had a friend whose daughter was like you. Only she wasn't as lucky. The guy found her and murdered her while she was home alone. Kids are taught not to tell anyone when they are alone, yet they do it all the time on-line. The wrong people trick you into giving out information a little here and there on-line. Before you know it, you have told them enough for them to find you without even realizing you have done it. I hope you've learned a lesson from this and won't do it again. Tell others about this so they will be safe too?" "It's a promise!" That night Shannon and her Dad and Mom all knelt down together and thanked God for protecting Shannon from what could have been a tragic situation.

A Letter From The Future

2007-08-16T19:26:00.000-07:00

This is a daughter's letter to her mother in the year 2023. The author is unknown to me, and I've taken the liberty to edit it slightly, and add a final sentence. Randy Alcorn

Dear Mom:
Can you believe it is 2023 already? I am still writing "22" on everything. Seems like yesterday I was sitting in first grade celebrating the century change!
I know we haven't really chatted since Chrismas. Sorry. Anyway, I have some difficult news, and I really didn't want to talk about it face-to-face.
Ted's had a promotion, and I should be up for a hefty raise this year if I keep putting in those crazy hours. You know how I work at it. Yes, we are still struggling with the bills.
Timmy's been "okay" at kindergarten, although he complains about going. But then he wasn't happy about day care either, so what can I do?
He's been a real problem, Mom, He's a good kid, but quite honestly, he's an unfair burden at this time in our lives. Ted and I have talked this through over and over and we've finally made a choice. Plenty of other families have made this choice and are certainly better off because of it.
Our pastor is supportive and says hard decisions are necessary. The family is a "system" and the demands of one member should not be allowed to ruin the whole. He told us to be prayerful, consider all the factors and do what is right to make the family work. He says that even though he probably wouldn't do it himself, the choice is ours. He was kind enough to refer us to a children's clinic near here, so at least that part will be easy.
I'm not an uncaring mother. I do feel sorry for the little guy. I think he overheard Ted and I talking about it the other night. I turned around and saw him standing at the bottom step in his pj's and the little bear you gave him under his arm and his eyes sort of welling up.
Mom, the way he looked at me just broke my heart. But I honestly believe this is better for Timmy too. It's not fair to force him to live in a family that can't give him the time and attention he deserves. And please don't give me the kind of grief Grandma gave you over your abortions. It's the same thing, you know.
We've told him he is just going in for a vaccination. Anyway, they say the termination procedure is painless.
I guess it's just as well that you haven't seen that much of him. Give our love to Dad. Both of you, stay well--I don't want to have to face another one of these soul-wrenching decisions.
Sincerely,
Becky

Comes The Dawn

2007-08-16T19:20:00.000-07:00

After a while you learn
the subtle difference
between hlding a hand
and chaining a soul.
And you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child,
and learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too certain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns if you ask too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn
that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth.
And you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye
you learn.

Coping Mechanisms

2007-08-16T19:06:00.000-07:00

All behavior is for a purpose; one must look past this behavior to the root cause to fully understand.
Act Out-may be to draw fire, relieve tension, or cry for help.
Withdraw-keep a low profile (protection), depression, immobilized by fear.
Overachieve-try to be perfect (not make waves) ignore the violence.
Underachieve-hopeless (give up) low self esteem, shame.
School Refusal-stay to protect mom/dad, shame.
Role Reversal-caretaking, keep dad/mom pacified, bankrupt parents.
Runaway-refusing to be helpless, sign of strength.
No Reaction-depression, tough exterior (protection).
Aloof, Sarcastic-rigid defenses, learned patterns, abusive, manipulation.
Nightmares-dealing with fears and tension.
Attention Seeking-promiscuity, diversion, seeking nurturance.
Temper Tantrum-tension release, learned patterns.
Bedwetting-anxiety.
DOMESTIC ABUSE PROJECT
204 WEST FRANKLIN
MINNEAPOLIS, MN 55404

Woman & Child Abuse

Does Domestic Violence Affect The children Who Live There?
Many parents minimize or deny the presence of children while the mothers are being assaulted. However, interviews with children of battered women reveal that they have seen and heard, and can describe detailed accounts of violent behavior that their mother or father never realized they had witnessed. (Jaffe, Wolf & Wilson, Children of Battered Women, 1990
Reports by battered mothers show that 8% of children witness the abuse. (Lenore Walker, The Battered Woman Syndrome. 1984)
Events can be witnessed in many ways, not just by sight. Children may hear their mothers screams and crying; the abusers threats; sounds of fist hitting flesh, glass breaking, wood splintering, cursing, and degrading language. Children also witness the consequences of the abuse after it has occurred ~ their mothers bruises and torn clothes, holes in the walls, broken furniture, their mothers tears. They sense the tension in the house, in their mother. (National Center on Women and Family Law, The Effect of Woman Abuse on Children, 1990).
Many fathers inadvertently injure children while throwing about furniture or other household objects when abusing their partners. The youngest children sustain the most serious injuries, such as concussions and broken shoulders and ribs. (Maria Roy, Children in the Crossfire, 1988).
62% of sons over age 14 were injured when they attempted to protect their mothers from attacks by abusive male partners. (Maria Roy, Children in the Crossfire, 1988).
Eight times as many women report using physical discipline on their children while with the batterer than when living alone or in a non-abusive relationship. (Lenore Walker, The Battered Women Syndrome, 1984).
15% to 25% of pregnant women are battered. (Evan Stark & Anne Flitcraft, 1992).
In general, 70% of men who abuse their female partners also abuse their children. (Bowker, Arbitell & Mcferron, "On The Relationship Between Wife Beating and Child Abuse, "in Feminist Perspectives on Wife News, Kersti Yllo & Michelle Bogard, eds, 1988).
As violence against women becomes more severe and more frequent in the home, children experience a 300% increase in physical violence by the male batterer. (M. Straus & R. Gelles, Physical Violence in American Families, 1990).
Of children who witness their mothers being abused by their fathers, 40% suffer anxiety, 48% suffer depression, 53% act out with their parents, 60% act out with siblings. (Pfout, Schopler & Henley, "Forgotten Victims Of family Violence," in Social Week, July 1982). These children also suffer poor health, low self-esteem, poor impulse control, sleeping difficulties, and feelings of powerlessness. They are at high risk for alcohol and drug use, sexual acting out, running away from home, isolation, loneliness, fear and suicide. (Jaffe, Wolfe & Wilson, Children of Battered Women, 1990).
YES

Bindermans Chart of Coercion

2007-08-16T18:52:00.000-07:00

Bindermans Chart of Coercion
General Methods Effects (Purposes)
1. Isolation Deprives victim of all
social support of their
ability to resist.
Develops an intense
concern with self
Makes victim dependent
upon interrogator
2. Monopolization of perception Fixes attention upon
immediate predicament,
fosters introspection
Eliminates stimuli
competing with those
controlled by the captor
Frustrates all actions not
consist with compliance
3. Induced debility; Exhaustion Weakens mental and physical ability to resist
4. Threats Cultivates anxiety and
despair
5. Occasional indulgences Provides positive
motivation for compliance
Hinders adjustment to
deprivation
6. Demonstrating "Omnipotence" Suggests futility of
resistance
7. Degradation Makes cost of resistance
appear more damaging
to self esteem than
capitulation
Reduces prisoner to
"animal level" concerns
8. Enforcing trivial demands Develops habit compliance
Isolation social isolation has frequently been called as a characteristic of the modern nuclear family; social battered women/men is even more pronounced.
Monopolization of perception The possessiveness that some husbands/wives display toward their wives/ husbands regarding other men/women, their jobs, school, or any other interests the woman/man may have. This also adds to isolation and dependence.
Induced debility Physical violence as well as forced sex; psychological abuse including insults, humiliating, derogatory comments and cruel put-downs.
Threats Verbal threats to hurt or even kill the woman/man are common; even nonphysical threats can be devastating.
Occasional indulgences The good times can keep the woman/man in the relationship.
Demonstrating "Omnipotence" Coercion clearly serves to convey "omnipotence"; Much marital rape and other violent acts appear to serve this purpose.
Degradation Resistance is more damaging to the woman's/man's self esteem than compliance and so they submit to abuse.
Enforcing trivial demands Often the man's/ womans violence is set off by trivial things, such as an undusted shelf or a meal they do not care for; such tyrannical behavior helps develop the habit of compliance.
All of these methods have been effective in obtaining compliance with POW's and are equally effective with women/men. POW's are held prisoner by the obvious physical constraints of captivity; women/men are trapped by the social, economic, and cultural factors that make them dependent. They can subsequently be trapped as a result of the torture itself.
Taken from Rape in Marriage by Diana E. H