Checklist of Behaviors

Do you or have you
Yes
No

Bossed your partner around



Pouted or denied affection (i.e., silent treatment) to your partner



Checked up on them (listened to phone calls, called them often at work, followed them)



Stormed out in the middle of an argument



Insulted your partner



Often interrupted partner while talking



Accused your partner of flirting or cheating on you



Acted jealous or suspicious of your partner’s friends



Blamed your partner for your problems



Made negative comments on how your partner dresses



Made negative comments about your partner’s body



Kept or attempted to keep your partner from leaving



Yelled or screamed at your partner



Treated your partner like a personal servant



Spit at, or pulled your partner’s hair



Slapped your partner



Made it difficult for your partner to socialize with friends



Told your partner she/he was crazy



Pushed, grabbed, shoved or threw your partner



Hit your partner with something



Pulled or tore off your partner’s clothes



Drove fast to scare your partner



Threw, hit or destroyed property



Bit or scratched your partner



Forced your partner to do something she or he didn’t want to do



Punched your partner with your fist



Kicked your partner



Choked or strangled your partner



Used or threatened your partner with a weapon



Physically forced your partner to have sex



Begged partner for sex and wouldn’t stop until partner agreed



Physically harmed pets



Threatened to hit your partner or throw something at him or her



Said things to scare him or her (something “bad” would happen, threatened to commit suicide)



Anything that hasn’t been mentioned

Personal Planning and Safety

If you are in a violent relationship, one of the most important steps you can take is to make a safety plan both for home and the workplace. These plans contain simple but critical steps you can take to increase your safety while you deal with the violence you face in your personal life.

Memorize a Crisis Intervention number, in Minnesota the number is 1-866-223-1111
If you are in danger, dial 911
You may also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for information about services in your area.
Be aware of local domestic violence programs and other resources. Check in with them if you are confused or unsure about what is happening in your relationship.
Be aware of your partner’s abusive cues including their demeanor, expressions, threats, actions, etc.
Be aware of your own cues in reaction to your partner’s cues, these can help you know when to seek a safe place to stay
Talk with advocates and supportive friends and family about the abuse before it continues to escalate and occur again.
you do not have to keep this a secret.

ask about your options and what you can do

In case you have to flee, have the following available:

important papers such as birth certificate, social security cards, insurance information, school and health records, welfare and immigration documents, and divorce or other court documents

credit cards, back account number and ATM cards

some money

extra set of keys

medication and prescriptions

phone numbers and addresses for family, friends, doctor, lawyers and community agencies

clothing and comfort items for you and your children

If you had the perpetrator evicted or are living alone, you may want to:

change locks on doors and windows

install a better security system

teach children to call the police or family and friends if they are taken

talk to school and childcare providers about who has permission to pick up the children

find a lawyer who knows about family violence to talk about custody, visitation and divorce provisions that protect you and your children

obtain a restraining order

If you are leaving your abuser, ask yourself the following questions:

how and when can you most safely leave? where will you go?

are you comfortable calling the police if you need them?

who can you trust to tell you are leaving?

how will you travel safely to and from work or school to pick up your children?

what community and legal resources will help you feel safer?

do you know the number of a local shelter?

what custody and visitation provisions will keep you and your children safe?

is a restraining order a viable option?

If you are staying with your abuser, think about:

what works best to keep you safe in an emergency

who can you call in a crisis

whether you would call the police if the violence starts again? can you work out a signal with the children or the neighbors to call the police when you really need help?

if you need to flee for a short time, where will you go? think through many places where you can go in a crisis.

if you need to flee your home, know the escape routes in advance.

WORKPLACE SAFETY PLANNING

At work, you may want to:

save threatening emails or voicemail messages. you can use them to take legal action in the future, if you choose. if you already have a restraining order, the messages can serve as evidence in court that the order was violated.

park close to the entrance of the building. talk to security, the police, or a manager if you fear an assault at work.

have your calls screened, transfer harassing calls to security, or remove your name and number from automated phone directories.

relocate your workspace to a more secure area.

obtain a restraining order and make sure it is current and on hand at all times. include your workplace in the order. a copy should be provided to; the police, the your supervisor, human resources, the reception area, the legal department, and security.

provide a picture of the perpetrator to reception areas and/or security.

identify an emergency contact person should your employer be unable to contact you.

ask security to escort you to and from your car or public transportation.

look into alternate hours or work locations.

review the safety of your childcare arrangements, whether it is on-site childcare at the company or off-site. if you have a restraining order, it can usually be extended to the childcare center.

portions adapted from the newsletter of Women's Advocates, Inc.



©2004 Domestic Abuse Project 1-612-874-7063

What you can do.

Anyone who has a commitment to peaceful, equitable relationships and a little time can work to end domestic violence. Below are some suggestion for action that community members can take. Also, consider advocating for change in your workplace- see suggestions below.

In homes where domestic violence occurs, children are abused at a rate 1500% higher than the national average. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1993)

teachers can:

develop curriculum for boys and men to help them understand their role in healthy relationships.

seek training to help recognize and assist abuse victims.

create an atmosphere for respectful discussion of harassment and abusive and violent behavior.

Husbands and boyfriends commit at least 13,000 acts of violence against women in the workplace every year. (U.S. Department of Justice, 1994)

business leaders can:

Audit the workplace to ensure that inappropriate attitudes about violence, abuse and degrading behavior are not tolerated.

Offer training and counseling on issues of domestic violence, abuse, and sexual harassment.

Provide information on how and where to get help in times of stress, need, or actual violence.

Refuse to allow sexual harassment of anyone.

According to a report presented to the Senate Judiciary Committee, 50% of all homeless women and children in this country are fleeing domestic violence. (Elizabeth Schneider, "Legal Reform Efforts for Battered Women: Past, Present and Future 7", prepared for the Ford Foundation)

religious leaders can:

speak out against violence.

assist victims in their religious community who must escape from abusive or violent environments.

encourage their congregations to adopt trouble youth who are either the victims of or perpetrators of violence.

seek training to enable them to recognize and assist children in violent and abusive environments.

The American Medical Association reports that 22 to 35 percent of all women seeking medical treatment in hospital emergency rooms are victims of spousal/partner abuse. (From Spousal/Partner Assault: A Protocol for the Sentencing and Supervision of Offenders, Andrew R. Klein, cited: American Medical Association, 1992)

physicians and healthcare workers can:

acknowledge signs of domestic violence in their patients

take the time to listen to the patient and help them understand their options

remain educated and current on available community resources

Approximately 1 in 5 females victimized by their spouse or ex-spouse reported to the National Crime Victim survey(NCVS) that they had been a victim of a series of 3 or more assaults in the last 6 months that were so similar that they could not distinguish one from another. (Bureau of Justice Statistics, Violence between Intimates, Office of Justice Programs, November, 1994)

civic organizations can:

examine messages promoted within their organization regarding women, minorities, and children. are they positive, supportive?

schedule speakers who will educate members about violence prevention.

encourage awareness of domestic violence and abuse.

promote humane and just treatment for all community members.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Corporate Role In Preventing Domestic Violence
here's what your company can do:

include an insert with paychecks describing signs and symptoms of domestic violence and how to get help

place an article in your employee newsletter discussing domestic violence and how to seek help

place posters in cafeterias, restrooms, and other gathering places identifying warning signs and resources

sponsor lunchtime seminars about domestic violence

develop policies that support victims:

allow flexible work hours or time off for court and/or medical appointments

offer job transfers to employees whose safety may be at risk

respect employee confidentiality and do not reveal phone numbers and/or worksite information

train security personnel to help employees who have orders of protection or are being harassed by a partner

support organizations that address domestic violence through corporate philanthropy

healthcare:

make sure your company's healthcare provider trains its physicians in the screening for and treatment of domestic violence

ask that routine screening for domestic violence be a part of all employee health visits

employee assistance programs:

make domestic violence apriority with your EAP

have your EAP provide written materials and informational seminars

training:

provide training on domestic violence to managers, supervisors, security staff and EAP counselors so that they understand the impact of domestic violence, recognize the signs, and know how to respond sensitively to an employee who may need assistance.





©2004 Domestic Abuse Project 1-612-874-7063

Definition of Abuse (official)

Abuse: Systematic pattern of behaviors in a relationship that are used to gain and/or maintain control and power over another.
Types of Abuse
Emotional Abuse Emotional abuse includes hurting another person's feelings by saying cruel, unfair comments or by name calling, such as:

cursing, swearing and/or screaming at you
repeated harassment, interrogation or degradation
attacks on self-esteem and/or insults to your person (name-calling, put-downs, ridicule)
attacks on and/or insults about people you care for, your family and friends
threatening to "come out for you" at work or to your family
controlling and/or limiting your behavior (e.g.: keeping you from using the phone or seeing friends, not letting you leave the room or the house, following you and monitoring or limiting your phone conversations, checking the mileage on your car, or keeping you from reading material, ideas, activities and places that he does not like)
interrupting you while you are eating, forcing you to stay awake or to get up from sleep
blaming you for everything that goes wrong
forcing you to do degrading things (e.g.: making you kneel, making you beg for money)
using the difference in physical size to intimidate you
criticizing your thoughts, feelings, opinions, beliefs and actions
treating you like a servant or "underling" in matters of household chores and decisions
being extremely jealous, constantly accusing you of flirting or of cheating
spitting at or near you
using money to control you (e.g.: taking money from you, giving you an allowance, controlling how extra money is spent, forcing you to ask for and account for any money you get, and acting like the work you do at home is of no economic value to the family)
telling you that you are "sick" and need therapy
using physical disabilities against you or putting you down for your disability
Psychological Abuse Psychological abuse is any threat to do bodily harm to a partner, a child, a family member, friends, pets, or one's self (suicide). Psychological abuse involves not only hurt and anger, but also fear and degradation. The purpose of psychological abuse is to render you emotionally insecure about your own self-worth and to render you helpless and/or not able to escape further physical, sexual and/or psychological abuse. Examples include your partner:
threatening to punch, hit, slap or kick
threatening to use a weapon
threatening to harm him/her-self if you leave
threatening to punish children to "get back" at you
threatening to harm pets • throwing objects in your direction
vague threats such as: "You're going to get it," or "I'm really going to let you have it"
harming a pet to "get back" at you
smashing and breaking things
throwing objects around the room
punching walls, slamming doors
hiding, stealing or destroying your possessions
sabotaging your car
any emotional abuse which in the past was a prelude to physical or sexual abuse
Sexual Abuse Sexual abuse is any non-consenting sexual act or behavior. Examples include your partner forcing sexual activity when:

you indicate "no" and your limits are not respected
you are sleeping • you are drunk or high and are unable to say "no"
you are afraid to say "no" Or when your partner:
insists that you dress in a more sexual way than you wish to dress
makes demeaning remarks about how you dress
makes demeaning remarks about your body and/or body parts
minimizes your feelings about sex
berates you about your sexual history; blames you if you were sexually abused in the past or as a child
criticizes you sexually (calling you "frigid," for example)
insists on touching you sexually when you do not want to be touched, either when the two of you are alone or in the presence of others
calls you a whore or a slut
has affairs with other women (often flaunting them) after agreeing not to have sex with anyone but you
physically attacking sexual parts of your body, (grabbing your breasts, pinching your buttocks, any touch that is unwanted)
forcing you to perform any specific sexual act that you do not wish to do (for example oral sex, or acting out pornography)
Physical Abuse Physical abuse is any forceful or violent physical behavior. Examples include:

slapping
choking
punching
kicking
pinching
pushing
shoving
biting
spanking
scratching
grabbing
throwing bodily
burning
restraining
spitting
Other behaviors in this category include throwing objects at the partner, or using or threatening to use a weapon of any kind (stick, ruler, belt, whip, knife, spoon, gun...)

On line..looking for love in all the wrong places..

After tossing her books on the sofa, she decided to grab a snack and get on-line. She logged on under her screen name ByAngel213. She checked her Buddy List and saw GoTo123 was on. She sent him an instant message: ByAngel213: Hi. I'm glad you are on! I thought someone was following me home today. It was really weird! GoTo123: LOL You watch too much TV. Why would someone be following you? Don't you live in a safe neighborhood? ByAngel213: Of course I do. LOL I guess it was my imagination cuz' I didn't see anybody when I looked out. GoTo123: Unless you gave your name out on-line. You haven't done that have you? ByAngel213: Of course not. I'm not stupid you know. GoTo123: Did you have a softball game after school today? ByAngel213: Yes and we won!! GoTo123: That's great! Who did you play? ByAngel213: We played the Hornets. LOL. Their uniforms are so gross! They look like bees. LOL GoTo123: What is your team called? ByAngel213: We are the Canton Cats. We have tiger paws on our uniforms. They are really cool. GoTo1 23: Did you pitch? ByAngel213: No I play second base. I got to go. My homework has to be done before my parents get home. I don't want them mad at me. Bye! GoTo123: Catch you later. Bye Meanwhile.......GoTo123 went to the member menu and began to search for her profile. When it came up, he highlighted it and printed it out. He took out a pen and began to write down what he knew about Angel so far. Her name: Shannon Birthday: Jan. 3, 1985 Age: 13 State where she lived: North Carolina Hobbies: softball, chorus, skating and going to the mall. Besides this information, he knew she lived in Canton because she had just told him. He knew she stayed by herself until 6:30 p.m. every afternoon until her parents came home from work. He knew she played softball on Thursday afternoons on the school team, and the team was named the Canton Cats. Her favorite number 7 was printed on her jersey. He knew she was in the eighth grade at the Canton Junior High School . She had told him all this in the conversations they had on- line. He had enough information to find her now. Shannon didn't tell her parents about the incident on the way home from the ballpark that day. She didn't want them to make a scene and stop her from walking home from the softball games. Parents were always overreacti ng and hers were the worst. It made her wish she was not an only child. Maybe if she had brothers and sisters, her parents wouldn't be so overprotective. By Thursday, Shannon had forgotten about the footsteps following her. Her game was in full swing when suddenly she felt someone staring at her. It was then that the memory came back. She glanced up from her second base position to see a man watching her closely. He was leaning against the fence behind first base and he smiled when she looked at him. He didn't look scary and she quickly dismissed the sudden fear she had felt. After the game, he sat on a bleacher while she talked to the coach. She noticed his smile once again as she walked past him. He nodded and she smiled back. He noticed her name on the back of her shirt. He knew he had found her. Quietly, he walked a safe distance behind her. It was only a few blocks to Shannon 's home, and once he saw where she lived he quickly returned to the park to get his car. Now he had to wait. He decided to get a bite to eat until the time came to go to Shannon 's house He drove to a fast food restaurant and sat there until time to make his move. Shannon was in her room later that evening when she heard voices in the living room. "Shannon, come here," her father called. He sounded upset and she couldn't imagine why. She went into the room to see the man from the ballpark sitting on the sofa. "Sit down," her father began, "this man has just told us a most interesting story about you." Shannon sat back. How could he tell her parents anything? She had never seen him before today! "Do you know who I am, Shannon ?" the man asked. "No," Shannon answered. "I am a police officer and your online friend, GoTo123." Shannon was stunned. "That's impossible! GoTo is a kid my age! He's 14. And he lives in Michigan !" The man smiled. "I know I told you all that, but it wasn't true. You see, Shannon , there are people on-line who pretend to be kids; I was one of them. But while others do it to injure kids and hurt them, I belong to a group of parents who do it to protect kids from predators. I came here to find you to teach you how dangerous it is to talk to people on-line. You told me enough about yourself to make it easy for me to find you. You named the school you went to, the name of your ball team and the position you played. The number and name on your jersey just made finding you a breeze." Shannon was stunned. "You mean you don't live in Michigan ?" He laughed. "No, I live in Raleigh . It made you feel safe to think I was so far away, didn't it?" She nodded. "I had a friend whose daughter was like you. Only she wasn't as lucky. The guy found her and murdered her while she was home alone. Kids are taught not to tell anyone when they are alone, yet they do it all the time on-line. The wrong people trick you into giving out information a little here and there on-line. Before you know it, you have told them enough for them to find you without even realizing you have done it. I hope you've learned a lesson from this and won't do it again. Tell others about this so they will be safe too?" "It's a promise!" That night Shannon and her Dad and Mom all knelt down together and thanked God for protecting Shannon from what could have been a tragic situation.

A Letter From The Future

This is a daughter's letter to her mother in the year 2023. The author is unknown to me, and I've taken the liberty to edit it slightly, and add a final sentence. Randy Alcorn

Dear Mom:
Can you believe it is 2023 already? I am still writing "22" on everything. Seems like yesterday I was sitting in first grade celebrating the century change!
I know we haven't really chatted since Chrismas. Sorry. Anyway, I have some difficult news, and I really didn't want to talk about it face-to-face.
Ted's had a promotion, and I should be up for a hefty raise this year if I keep putting in those crazy hours. You know how I work at it. Yes, we are still struggling with the bills.
Timmy's been "okay" at kindergarten, although he complains about going. But then he wasn't happy about day care either, so what can I do?
He's been a real problem, Mom, He's a good kid, but quite honestly, he's an unfair burden at this time in our lives. Ted and I have talked this through over and over and we've finally made a choice. Plenty of other families have made this choice and are certainly better off because of it.
Our pastor is supportive and says hard decisions are necessary. The family is a "system" and the demands of one member should not be allowed to ruin the whole. He told us to be prayerful, consider all the factors and do what is right to make the family work. He says that even though he probably wouldn't do it himself, the choice is ours. He was kind enough to refer us to a children's clinic near here, so at least that part will be easy.
I'm not an uncaring mother. I do feel sorry for the little guy. I think he overheard Ted and I talking about it the other night. I turned around and saw him standing at the bottom step in his pj's and the little bear you gave him under his arm and his eyes sort of welling up.
Mom, the way he looked at me just broke my heart. But I honestly believe this is better for Timmy too. It's not fair to force him to live in a family that can't give him the time and attention he deserves. And please don't give me the kind of grief Grandma gave you over your abortions. It's the same thing, you know.
We've told him he is just going in for a vaccination. Anyway, they say the termination procedure is painless.
I guess it's just as well that you haven't seen that much of him. Give our love to Dad. Both of you, stay well--I don't want to have to face another one of these soul-wrenching decisions.
Sincerely,
Becky

Comes The Dawn

After a while you learn
the subtle difference
between hlding a hand
and chaining a soul.
And you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child,
and learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too certain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns if you ask too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn
that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth.
And you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye
you learn.

Coping Mechanisms

All behavior is for a purpose; one must look past this behavior to the root cause to fully understand.
Act Out-may be to draw fire, relieve tension, or cry for help.
Withdraw-keep a low profile (protection), depression, immobilized by fear.
Overachieve-try to be perfect (not make waves) ignore the violence.
Underachieve-hopeless (give up) low self esteem, shame.
School Refusal-stay to protect mom/dad, shame.
Role Reversal-caretaking, keep dad/mom pacified, bankrupt parents.
Runaway-refusing to be helpless, sign of strength.
No Reaction-depression, tough exterior (protection).
Aloof, Sarcastic-rigid defenses, learned patterns, abusive, manipulation.
Nightmares-dealing with fears and tension.
Attention Seeking-promiscuity, diversion, seeking nurturance.
Temper Tantrum-tension release, learned patterns.
Bedwetting-anxiety.
DOMESTIC ABUSE PROJECT
204 WEST FRANKLIN
MINNEAPOLIS, MN 55404


Woman & Child Abuse

Does Domestic Violence Affect The children Who Live There?
Many parents minimize or deny the presence of children while the mothers are being assaulted. However, interviews with children of battered women reveal that they have seen and heard, and can describe detailed accounts of violent behavior that their mother or father never realized they had witnessed. (Jaffe, Wolf & Wilson, Children of Battered Women, 1990
Reports by battered mothers show that 8% of children witness the abuse. (Lenore Walker, The Battered Woman Syndrome. 1984)
Events can be witnessed in many ways, not just by sight. Children may hear their mothers screams and crying; the abusers threats; sounds of fist hitting flesh, glass breaking, wood splintering, cursing, and degrading language. Children also witness the consequences of the abuse after it has occurred ~ their mothers bruises and torn clothes, holes in the walls, broken furniture, their mothers tears. They sense the tension in the house, in their mother. (National Center on Women and Family Law, The Effect of Woman Abuse on Children, 1990).
Many fathers inadvertently injure children while throwing about furniture or other household objects when abusing their partners. The youngest children sustain the most serious injuries, such as concussions and broken shoulders and ribs. (Maria Roy, Children in the Crossfire, 1988).
62% of sons over age 14 were injured when they attempted to protect their mothers from attacks by abusive male partners. (Maria Roy, Children in the Crossfire, 1988).
Eight times as many women report using physical discipline on their children while with the batterer than when living alone or in a non-abusive relationship. (Lenore Walker, The Battered Women Syndrome, 1984).
15% to 25% of pregnant women are battered. (Evan Stark & Anne Flitcraft, 1992).
In general, 70% of men who abuse their female partners also abuse their children. (Bowker, Arbitell & Mcferron, "On The Relationship Between Wife Beating and Child Abuse, "in Feminist Perspectives on Wife News, Kersti Yllo & Michelle Bogard, eds, 1988).
As violence against women becomes more severe and more frequent in the home, children experience a 300% increase in physical violence by the male batterer. (M. Straus & R. Gelles, Physical Violence in American Families, 1990).
Of children who witness their mothers being abused by their fathers, 40% suffer anxiety, 48% suffer depression, 53% act out with their parents, 60% act out with siblings. (Pfout, Schopler & Henley, "Forgotten Victims Of family Violence," in Social Week, July 1982). These children also suffer poor health, low self-esteem, poor impulse control, sleeping difficulties, and feelings of powerlessness. They are at high risk for alcohol and drug use, sexual acting out, running away from home, isolation, loneliness, fear and suicide. (Jaffe, Wolfe & Wilson, Children of Battered Women, 1990).
YES

Bindermans Chart of Coercion

Bindermans Chart of Coercion
General Methods Effects (Purposes)
1. Isolation Deprives victim of all
social support of their
ability to resist.
Develops an intense
concern with self
Makes victim dependent
upon interrogator
2. Monopolization of perception Fixes attention upon
immediate predicament,
fosters introspection
Eliminates stimuli
competing with those
controlled by the captor
Frustrates all actions not
consist with compliance
3. Induced debility; Exhaustion Weakens mental and physical ability to resist
4. Threats Cultivates anxiety and
despair
5. Occasional indulgences Provides positive
motivation for compliance
Hinders adjustment to
deprivation
6. Demonstrating "Omnipotence" Suggests futility of
resistance
7. Degradation Makes cost of resistance
appear more damaging
to self esteem than
capitulation
Reduces prisoner to
"animal level" concerns
8. Enforcing trivial demands Develops habit compliance
Isolation social isolation has frequently been called as a characteristic of the modern nuclear family; social battered women/men is even more pronounced.
Monopolization of perception The possessiveness that some husbands/wives display toward their wives/ husbands regarding other men/women, their jobs, school, or any other interests the woman/man may have. This also adds to isolation and dependence.
Induced debility Physical violence as well as forced sex; psychological abuse including insults, humiliating, derogatory comments and cruel put-downs.
Threats Verbal threats to hurt or even kill the woman/man are common; even nonphysical threats can be devastating.
Occasional indulgences The good times can keep the woman/man in the relationship.
Demonstrating "Omnipotence" Coercion clearly serves to convey "omnipotence"; Much marital rape and other violent acts appear to serve this purpose.
Degradation Resistance is more damaging to the woman's/man's self esteem than compliance and so they submit to abuse.
Enforcing trivial demands Often the man's/ womans violence is set off by trivial things, such as an undusted shelf or a meal they do not care for; such tyrannical behavior helps develop the habit of compliance.
All of these methods have been effective in obtaining compliance with POW's and are equally effective with women/men. POW's are held prisoner by the obvious physical constraints of captivity; women/men are trapped by the social, economic, and cultural factors that make them dependent. They can subsequently be trapped as a result of the torture itself.
Taken from Rape in Marriage by Diana E. H