Concern exchange from one friend to another

Please note that I l have left some of this conversation off for privacy issues along with the names as they are not important. What I wanted to express here is that the cycle is always pretty much the same for each abuser.

Original post:
Let me give yall a little background on what is happening and why I don't think I can stay in this marriage. Forgive me, because no matter how I try to shorten it I can't! (Husband) & I have been married for nearly 8 years. He is my 4th husband (all 3 before him were abusive alcoholics and 1 cheated on me). (Husband) was living in Kuwait and driving in Iraq for 18 months and he had a 4 month long affair. He went over there 4 years ago this past April and was home 4 years ago this month for his grandfather's funeral. That was the LAST time we've had sex. Too much info? I'm sorry...

At any rate, when I found out about the affair and asked him the usual question "why her not me?", his answer was "I just don't find you sexually attractive anymore". Of course, later he apologized for those hurtful words...but we've still had ZERO "intimate contact". He doesn't randomly kiss me, hold my hand or even touch me in ANY way. If I didn't kiss him or hold his hand, there would be none. I've tried to get past all of it and try to trust him again. However, other things have happened which make trust really difficult...like finding out he had started smoking pot again, KNOWING that I was 100% against it and that I considered that a "deal breaker" in any relationship I was in. Then I started finding out about e-mail accounts I knew nothing about, My Space pages I knew nothing about and a Post Office Box in (City) that I knew nothing about. There was an 18 year old girl he worked with here locally that would leave what I considered inappropriate comments on his original My Space page...then I found a picture from HER My Space page on HIS My Space page of her butt in a thong! Next, I found out that he had put his stuff from "our" storage unit in (City) into one of his own! Then I found out that he has a post office box in Omaha, Nebraska! His explanation for THAT is that he gets through Omaha more than he gets through here since that is where the company he drives for is based.

He has a nephew in the Marines that is stationed out in California. He also has another one that is finishing Boot Camp out there, too. Graduation is around Sept. 12th. I can't go b/c of money; however, his mom, him & the nephew's mom are going. I'm not sure how many other family members are going. (Husband) & I had been joking about him running down to Tijuana since he was going to be down there for the graduation...or at least I thought it was a joke. I found out on a phone call on my way home from work Monday night that he is NOT joking and that he and at least 1 (probably both) nephew and possibly his brother-in-law are going down there. I lost it! I asked him why he was going. He didn't respond very quickly. So I went on to say, "YOU of all people have NO business down there! You don't drink, you supposedly don't do drugs anymore and you aren't having sex with me so why would you go down there?" He said, "we aren't going down there for THAT!" I said, "I shouldn't HAVE to even be having this conversation with you, (Husband)! YOU of all people should understand why I am upset! YOU of all people should know without me having to say a word about why this is wrong on SO MANY different levels!" Then I said, "Whatever! When you figure out the day you want to return to Omaha let me know so I can try to find you a cheaper flight" and hung up on him. I've not heard from him since. I e-mailed him a pretty detailed e-mail yesterday morning telling him exactly how I'm feeling and that I am beginning to think that maybe we need to each figure out what we want from this marriage and if we even want this marriage any longer. Like I said, I've heard nothing from him in reply...no e-mail, no phone call...nothing. Which pretty much, in my mind, tells me that it is pretty much all over except the paperwork.

So there you have it...all the ugly, gory details of the death of my marriage. I've turned it over to God...told Him "YOU handle this, cuz I seem to be screwing it up pretty badly!" I'm really hurting. I don't know what is going to happen, am not sure what I want to happen. I just know I can't live like THIS any longer. I don't trust him, don't believe anything he says anymore and just don't even believe IN him anymore either. I'm not sure that I love him...or am just afraid to lose the $800 I get from him every month to help pay my rent & utilities here at my sister's where I live. I don't know what is going to happen, what I want to happen or up from down right now. I'm not keeping much down right now, my nerves are shot and I really need to know SOMEthing...hence the need for prayers.


Response from a friend:


I'm keeping you in my prayers too, I also know what you're going through. I was in an abusive marriage for 8 years and didn't have sense enough to get out until he started physically abusing my son. I used to look at women who were abused and couldn't figure out why they just didn't leave, and then I became one of them and couldn't figure out how to leave. There are so many things that go through your mind...he had me convinced that I was the reason he was a jerk. When he burned my 2-year old son with a cigarette lighter "trying to show him that it was hot", I knew for the sake of my kids I had to get out of that situation. Even then, I did it for the kids and not because he was beating the stuffing out of me on a regular basis. I've learned a lot since then, about myself and about how to treat people. I think God put me in that situation to learn from it and even though I didn't like it, it still wasn't more than I could handle. He got me out before it got to that point. It's probably a strange thing to say, but I think the abuse I went through as a child from the nighttime "visits" and the abuse I went through in that marriage, helped to change me into the person I am now. One that would do anything I can do to help other people going through similar situations and to give back some small portion of the blessings that God has given me. If those things hadn't happened to me, I still wouldn't understand why other people "let" them happen to them. I'd probably still be going through life blaming the victim and not the j____s that was the abuser. It took me a long time to learn to put a stop to things I didn't want to happen. Now if someone even looks like they don't have my best interest in the plan somewhere, it's like Mary says...I cut 'em out and tell them "I don't think so". I don't know if any of this makes sense, I tend to ramble, but maybe this is your sign, your wake-up call if you will. Love doesn't hurt and it sounds like you're really hurting. I can't tell you what to do either, but if it was me I'd take this as a signal that it was time to let go. I know it's a hard thing to do, but when you think about it, it's hard to keep going through what you're going through now. It's hard to wake up every morning and wonder what the next lie or excuse will be, or what is really going on instead of what you've been told. That's hard. I know it is, I've been there and done that, and I finally got to the point where I just refused to let it happen to me anymore. I think for me I had to get rid of my "poor me, how could you do this to me" attitude and take on my "Who the _____ do you think you are that you can treat another human being that way." attitude. "So you don't find me attractive anymore...well, have you looked in the mirror lately." I had to get mad first and realize that I am a child of God and I'm worth more than that 'cause God don't make junk. So, if you want to mistreat and belittle somebody, it will have to be somebody else, because God's got my back and I don't have to be afraid of you or put up with your "stuff" anymore. See ya".


Original poster:


I have still not heard anything from (Husband) since I hung up on him Monday night and sent the e-mail on Tuesday morning. I did see his mom this afternoon when I dropped my 10 year old granddaughter off at her house for the night. I asked her "So? Are you and Cathy going with the boys to Tijuana?" She said, "Ummm, no...and neither are the boys! A directive was sent to all the Marine's telling them that No Marine will be allowed across the border into Tijuana!" So...was this all for nothing? Or was this indeed the shove from God that I needed to do what I have known for the past 3 years that I needed to do?